While I realize it is absolutely against my nature to post profane movie quotes or to indulge in the luxury of spewing profanities in general (unless I�m behind the wheel), in this case it was entirely appropriate. My fairly simple order of a Wh0pper, no ketchup, no onion, heavy pickle hasn�t ever confounded anyone like it must have the poor, muddled teenager last night. I pulled into the parking lot of the Sh0pper�s Drug M@rt to complete the last of my errands and decided to eat my burger before I went in, as I was starving and the dark chocolate T0blerones call out to me unless I am suitably sated. What wafted out of the bag as I leaned in was the nastiest whiff of onions to ever assault my nasal passages. No pickles, no ketchup, no mustard, nothing but about a half pound of sliced onions contaminating my lovely burger. So I bought the T0blerone.

The last time I worked a drive through was roughly 1984, so my memories of that particular hell are blurry and quite possibly revisionist. If I looked long enough online I could probably find a forum or a podcast or about a thousand journals/blogs outlining the sick and twisted games that drive through employees play. I am confident it would be worse than reading Kitchen Confidential, so I�m going to leave that particular G00gle search off my ToDo list and just hope the next kid in the next kitchen has recently taken some customer service training.

Today I was thinking about the collective Big Picture and wanted to get some of my thoughts down to make it easier to sort them out and put them into some order.

First on the list:
It�s not all about me.

I cannot tell you how many melodramas I have created in my mind around the unintentional silences of friends and family; I�m the David E. Kelley of The Drama. (I only wish there were award shows for that sort of thing). Life simply gets busy; I�m certain there are people with which I need to reconnect. The person at the top of the list is one I�m having the worst time conjuring the nerve to call again. I consider her my best friend (31 years!), yet our lives have taken such drastically different paths I have to wonder if we�re even shadows of the people we were when we bonded so very long ago.

My hesitation stems from the very fact that our polar opposite lives cry out for judgment; the question is, from which direction will it come? Best friends are the people in your life you should be able to depend on to cut you the most slack, so I fear the Judgy McPointstheFinger in this case is yours truly. I simply don�t stack up next to her anymore and that makes spending any time with her just this side of painful. I know it�s my issue, so I�m just going to have to come to grips with the fact that if the tables were turned I would simply be happy with her company and not always compulsively keeping a mental �score� of achievements, belongings and intelligence level.

Second:
Finding a rewarding and challenging job and building my business is all about me.

I do have good qualities; I have a good eye for colours, jewellery design and creating new and interesting pet treat recipes. (I�m good enough, I�m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!) What I need more of is the self-esteem to step up and sell myself as a useful member of society. Someone once told me before you can take care of anyone else you have to take care of yourself and at the time I was too young and headstrong to slow down and take the time to really think about that comment. I�m not generally a �quote� person, but there are a few I hold dear and always try to consider when making decisions or taking action. So, I�ve been scouring the �net, looking for a phrase that will spur me on to stand with my head held high and all my neuroses behind me. Let�s just hope I don�t have to look for long�

And lastly (well, not really but if I continued on this would be on bloody great entry, non?):
I should learn to be less rigid in my expectations of others and myself.

That said, I have to qualify it by mentioning that I cut my �friends� quite a lot of slack and really, if I was any more lenient of how I allow some of them to treat me, I would be reduced to living out the remainder of my life as a doormat.

How I conduct myself with those in my life is, in my opinion, never good enough; I think that�s the flaw in my life plan. I give and give until in some cases I�m almost completely spent. When will the day come that I�m mentally healthy enough to realize that these people see deficiencies in me that I will never be able to set right? Interestingly enough, these are also the people I go to the greatest lengths to please. The older I get, the less energy I have to strive to impress so I find myself letting them fall by the wayside. (Much like some notable journallers, I find life doesn�t fall to pieces without them in it). The things you learn, huh?

Today you can just call me Jack Handey. Soon, we will return to our regularly scheduled Fluffy Thoughts.

Posted at 10:44 a.m.