Fight the Powah

When I was younger, I gave away love and trust as if I possessed a never-ending supply. My report cards were filled with more comments about my nature than my grades and I have many Good Sportsmanship trophies from my baseball days gathering dust in the basement. I ran at life, hugging the stuffing out of it, giving it all I had with no agenda. Back then, even betrayals were something to be shrugged off as easily as last year�s now too-small clothes, as if I were somehow more emotionally healthy than I am today. It�s possible the treachery of today is viler, more heinous and more malicious than those grade school mendacities, but I reckon everything is relative. The question then becomes: why am I not able to apply the wisdom I�ve gathered from the myriad lessons I�ve learned through my many years to present events? Why do I continue to invest in people and things when I know in my heart�s heart that they will fail me? How do I keep an arm�s length from the world?

Sub question: Should I keep an arm�s length from the world? Does one not derive the most from our brief time on this earth by experiencing both the glorious highs and the devastating lows? Is it a waste of energy to expect life to go along, steady as she goes, nothing memorable happening but more importantly nothing messy or regrettable soiling the landscape of our journey?

Not being a parent, I cannot speak to the love between a mother and her child, but where everything and everyone else are concerned I must now put forth this blanket statement: The things you love will destroy you.

The key to this conundrum is coming to the understanding that it�s based in what most of life is based in: power. Its exchange, the constantly shifting balance between the dominated and those doing the dominating. You cannot drop your guard for lo, in the brief time your eyes are averted to danger, someone with faster reflexes or a dastardly mind will swoop in and madness will ensue. In my case, the madness is a direct result of my well-honed masochistic streak. Some day I will learn to chill out and not take it all so literally or personally; until that time, I fear I�m looking at a peptic ulcer in the not too distant future.

The thing about power is you either love it or you hate it. You were born to lead or the thought of taking charge and being accountable makes you feel a bit ill. I am averse to forcing my will on others; I admit this freely and openly. If that makes me a bit of a milquetoast, then so be it. I will never rise through the ranks like Martha, I will never achieve real greatness because I do not have the intense drive that�s required. And I tell you something else, were I ever to find myself in any sort of situation where I did possess power over another I would neither beat them over the head with it, nor would I tie strings to them and make them dance. So it seems I have picked up a lesson or two along the way after all.

I don�t have to be strong, I can live in my rose-coloured-glasses-tinged world and I don�t have to be in control. I give myself permission to just be. Anything I want to do is okay because I�ve made the decision that is right for me in the moment. You do not have power over me as a result of my inaction; I do not have power over you because my inaction stalls your forward progress.

Stalemate.

Posted at 1:21 p.m.