I Have a Plan
Anyone who dropped by yesterday had the misfortune to read my wee freak out.

(My apologies, by the way.)

Money is beyond tight. I have intentionally not updated my bank account balance, choosing instead to always estimate the amount �up� in my foolish head.

�Oh, I put $1600 in back in March, so it must be around $650-700 now.�

Nope.

Not even close.

I called my Mom nine times yesterday, getting the answering machine each and every time. Having some contact with her is very important to me when the shite hits the fan. She�s so levelheaded; she eases my anxiety and calms me down, much like I have the ability to do with others. I just can�t seem to get a handle on things when it�s my own personal hell I�m staring in the face. And I was losing it, folks. I was running through all the ways I could scrape up some cash while pacing the length of my tearoom. It�s a good thing they don�t buy blood in Canada, else I would look like an apple doll today. I dialed her for the tenth time, wondering just where she might have gotten to, then realizing I�d been placing these calls one after another and she�d really only been out for less than an hour and a half. She finally answered, at a loss to why her eldest was so exasperated.

�Have you checked your messages?�

�Yes. There weren�t any.�

�Check again.�

�Oh my God, that says NINE! I peeked around the corner, and it looked like a ZERO. I�m so SORRY! What�s the matter?�

Yay. Concern. I finally got what I wanted; it was that very moment my body lost all its composure and I started to weep. And then we started to talk, rationally going through some of my options. I shut off the waterworks and began to compile a To Do list for the next week. Writing lists has always been a comfort to me. Having them to refer to and keep me on track is good, but it's the actual creation of the list that's more soothing than a cup of blackcurrant tea. So, I listed. And I felt better for it.

The Boy chimed in a little later, after having scurried away when I was a soggy mess. (Coward.) He told me in no uncertain terms that I was not going to collapse one of my RRSPs just so I could pay the cable bill for a few more months. He would float me some cash each month for a while, just until the business got fully on its feet, or until I could land a job doing something that made me happy. Which is what I�ve been working toward since January, it�s just that the internship I�ve been involved in isn�t resulting in a paying gig. And it doesn�t look like it ever will. I�m really pleased they like my work, and the people are great for the most part. My resume certainly looks better for it, but a girl�s gotta eat, right? And surf the net and the cable channels. All very important.

So now, 18 hours after getting slapped upside the head with a pretty harsh reality, I have a plan. It involves sponging off others, kind of getting in the way of the whole �Girl Standing on Her Own� thing I was hoping to have cultivated by this time in 2003, but I can�t see an alternative in the short term.

Posted at 9:07 a.m.