Sanitarium....er, Februarium, parts I and II
A day late and a dollar short, that's me. I've only just noticed this Februarium thing, so I am using my ignorance as an excuse to jump in as an unofficial participant midway through the damn thing. I'm kinda like that guy with the rainbow wig (John 3:16!!) at various sports venues. He's not athletic enough to make the teams, probably not clever enough to be on the administrative team and not cool enough to get tickets to any of the corporate boxes. Sadly, he's reduced to foisting himself on the sport-loving public in the hopes that he can get someone to go running for their Bible, become a convert and have little ol' him to thank for it. That's his way of belonging, God love 'im. (Heh, did you see what I did there? How I fit The Almighty in, smooth as you please? Now that's writing, my friends!)

It's a damn shame this Februarium thing isn't about going off on tangents, huh?

Okay, quick catchup:

February 10

Who you love

Dearest,

I can't believe our lives have been so entwined now for almost half my life. I barely remember a time when you weren't present in my mind, either standing in the spotlight or participating more as a background character (maybe an usher?). We've been through more good times than bad, and if I've learned anything from you, I've definitely learned not to automatically take the submissive position simply because your bark is so forbidding. You taught me to hold my own, a trait which has served me well. That bark is a sign of your passion in dealing with life, not an aggressive posture, even though I wouldn't blame you, given what you've had to endure lately.

I've really wanted to be there, hold your hand, make tea, all the stuff that goes along with loving someone so completely. I've wanted to, but we both know why I cannot. Trust me when I tell you, it's killing me a little more each day. It's not about gushy love and silly pet names, it's about quiet support and having the comfortable knowledge that my simply being by your side makes a difference. I'm there in spirit, love. But you know that.

It's funny how distance hasn't dulled our feelings, isn't it? I never really knew which saying was more accurate, Absence makes the heart grow fonder or Out of sight, out of mind. You've never been one to make dramatic pronouncements of love, but I think I can tell by now which one you've aligned yourself with. A brief touch, the exact right three-word retort, these are things I've learned to hold close and treasure, as I treasure everything about you. I still smile as I recall the conversation when I finally revealed I'd saved all your letters. These revelations mean more than repeated declarations of love; I would bet my life you feel the same way. All I want now to make me truly happy is just to be where you are. It doesn't seem like much to ask when said aloud, yet at this moment I can't see how to make my way to you. I need guidance and I need it now, before any further damage is done. I must work my way through this maze of adult life I've created for myself. I can't go back, and I arrived at a crossroads months ago. Standing still can be just as painful as making a wrong turn, I've discovered.

Have faith that I will find the right path, my darling. Wait for me, and we will once again provide each other with the love and strength needed to move forward in life with confidence and success.

~~~~~~~~~~

February 11

What you love.

As soon as I read this line, I couldn't help but think of a one-question pop quiz I got in high school. Everyone in the class seemed a little shocked that the paper had one line on it, but the anal ones among us we were even more surprised to discover that it took the entire 75 minute period to completely answer it. The question was, "If you could describe yourself in ONE word, what would it be and why?"

The word I chose in 1985 was Harmony, and I stand by that decision to this day, for a number of reasons.

My best friend from public school remarked offhandedly in 1992 that I was always like a tiny Switzerland until we parted to attend separate high schools. That statement kind of shocked me, until I thought about it a little. I don't think I've ever been a person who enjoyed confrontation; I even get anxious watching others participate in heated debates. Why anyone would willingly place themselves opposite another person so they can intentionally argue is beyond me. Now dont get me wrong, I'm no saint (there are far too many of you out there who would take issue with me saying that!), I'm just a pacifist at heart. I always like it better when people just get along. It was with this in mind that I set out to be friends with each and every faction I met up with from Kindergarten to Grade Thirteen. College was easier, everyone had their own busy lives outside of school and when we were together we were all about our studies. Aside from Monique, one of the first people ever to cause my Piscean intuition to go absolutely squirrely, I still regard my three years at college to be the best I've ever had. Because then came life in the corporate lane. Back-stabbing, duplicitous, underhanded behaviour; you name it, it was done to me. Rather than resort to becoming what I beheld, I continued on my merry naive little path, much to the detriment of my resume. Even at this age, I can't bring myself to throw up my hands and declare this life a bust. I have to believe there are ways to make everyone just get along. To give in to the Dark Side now would be, I fear, too much to bear.

Harmony obviously also applies to music, of which I am a huge fan. There is a soundtrack to my life that begins with my earlist memories. Sadly, these are memories of Bobby Vinton and Charlie Pride that my Dad forced upon us during the dinner hour. To this day, I can still sing along to every word of Crystal Chandelier, almost involuntarily. I'll never get that neural pathway back to use for some greater good.

I've also made music for as long as I can remember. A dyed in the wool Alto, I've always found it effortless to create harmony with another singer, moulding my voice to their cadence and pitch. I'm one of those geeks who likes to close their eyes when they sing, and I lived with that shame until just recently, when I finally read About A Boy and realized it happened all over. I don't think it completely absolves me, but at least I feel a little less freakish about closing out the world in order to immerse myself in the beauty of a perfect harmony.

I mentioned earlier that I was a Pisces; we're supposed to be supersensitive to colours and colour combinations. We enjoy ethereal, calm, soft shades, tone on tone sorts of things. I don't live in a house that belongs in Architectural Digest, but I find that, shall we say, the agressive decorating of others can give me not only a negative visceral response, but can affect me physically as well. Maybe I'm just too tuned in? Sometimes I wish I weren't.

You'd think that someone who was all about harmony would be living some fabulous life, non? Well my friend, life just doesn't work that way. People who require harmony rarely get their ways, and that is cause for much anxiety. Then there is much rushing about in an effort to calm and soothe everything and everyone, sapping my energy to the point where I throw up my hands and retreat as quickly as is humanly possible. People like me spend a lot of time hiding. I suspect my personal logo would involve an ostrich's butt somehow.

So, inasmuch as I must really work to ensure some degree of harmony in my life, I also really enjoy it when I'm standing in the middle of it. This must mean I will continue to fight the good fight! Rah rah rah!

(kismet, I think I may just have bested myself in terms of entry length without even trying! Yay me!)

Posted at 12:44 p.m.