Anyone following the saga of my life after mid-October, 2002 will know that I'm involved in a bit of a transitional dealie. Change is tough, ask anyone. Those who say they thrive on change are liars, I'm almost certain. It pulls the existing rug out from under you, shifting and jostling and buffeting you against walls, over chairs and winds up tossing you on the floor like a rag doll. I've endured change before, as have we all, but this time it's different.
This time it's not just about me.

First off, the new business: Tell me, is it healthy when your left eye tap dances like it's starring in Singin' In The Rain for hours on end? I suppose the actual selling of product will relieve some of the built up stress (apparently only in the upper left quadrant of my skull). I will rebuild some of my currently nonexistent self-esteem and things will begin to look up. I only have a last few hurdles to clear and I'm off to the races. Actually, I've been avoiding the races lately due to lack of dosh. Same goes for the slots at the casino. Even though I know deep down I could parlay a $20 into enough bucks to pay this month's MasterCard bill, I am more certain in the knowledge that, once inside the doors, I would make trip after trip to the change machine in a vain attempt to recoup my losses for the day. Shame really, it's good fun when you're employed.

This time in my life will be looked back on (from either a mansion or the nut house) as one of the most difficult I've ever dealt with. Too many doors and windows and ventilation ducts to choose from, I swear. I've always been that way; I want it all and if given enough time, I can concoct a masterful plan allowing me to keep all my options open while I explore each of them one at a time. Greedy, I concur. Then again, why the hell shouldn't I max out my exploration quota? I'm 35 and feel like I've been in this rut for 45 years. I want to burst, yelling to all and sundry, "I'm interesting! I'm an asset to society! You want to take me out for a pint and listen to what I have to say!"

I guess the question of the day is:
Must I find someone else to fan the flames of the spark of personal happiness I know still flickers,
or am I up to the task myself?

Posted at 11:00 a.m.