I'm what?
From the time most of us become sentient beings, we construct an unconscious database of descriptives relating to how we are seen by others. Unfortunately, perceptions of how the world views us must pass through the filters we have created, causing some or all of them to become diluted, twisted and/or warped.

Thank heavens, I remember some of the early ones that got through intact. Example par excellence: my Grade Two teacher, Mrs. Shoebottom. She saw how horribly bored I was with what early academia had to offer and bumped me into an accelerated reading class called the Roadrunners. It helped spur me on until I was actually in Grade Three and Miss Ladell administered the first taste of Evil Teacherness. She was a royal bitch and couldn't care less that I and four others had already breezed through her basic reader. The mind boggles as I think about how many kids she's damaged through the years.

I was in an advanced class in Grade Four, where I learned all about brainstorming, writing haikus and the like. I'm dating myself when I write that, as the educational system these days has no money for urging kids to use their brains in new and exciting ways. Damn shame, that.

Public speaking contests and Science Fairs followed. All manner of awards are still boxed up in my attic. Good times. Thinking back on all that makes it a little easier to ignore the assholes whose only plan was to make me question myself and my actions. Sadly, what I ended up with was half of a confident, outgoing brain and half a brain that still yearns to excel, but in private. I can't take confrontation and criticism as an adult. I don't like to attempt anything where there is a chance I may fail in full view of everyone.

Lately, I notice the wimpy side of me is winning. I've had to take extreme steps to fight the urge to crawl under the duvet and eat chocolate. I can't give in to that urge, for a few reasons that I didn't want to get into here. But what the hell....

I've received notification that my contract at the local college ends this Friday. After three and a half years of being extended from month to month, it's finally come to an end. My boss was very considerate about it all, telling me she hates to see me leave and to remember it's all thanks to the union. I believe her, as she has acted as my champion for lo, these many years. I found myself nodding and agreeing with all she was telling me, not feeling in the least like something bad was happening. Huh. That's a new one for me.

So here I sit at someone else's desk, finishing up odds and ends and chatting away with the lovely people from Three Way Action. What does the future hold? I only wish I knew.

I've put a few irons in the fire over the past three weeks, and hope one of them pans out. The first is the possibility of starting up a home-based business. (Go, me!) The second is to volunteer for a sort of internship with the local television station's morning show. They seem open to talking to me about it, so I just have to sit back and wait for the show's producer to call back about an interview. (Go, me squared!)

Part of the reason I'm putting myself out there and trying to find clever ways of earning a living is a comment I heard last night. I was getting my hair done and giving Catherine an outline of my immediate plans. I told her I was a mite trepidatious about all of the (as I see them) 'risks' I was taking, but she told me that I was so charismatic, I would make the people at the station and my potential customers fall in love with me immediately and that would be that.

Charismatic?

See, that throws a monkey wrench in my Personal Outline. Big time. So now, I must take some time to once again evaluate what people see when they look at me.

Never a dull moment, I'll tell you that.

Posted at 8:07 a.m.