�running away�

I never entertained thoughts of running away from home as a child, save for those few times I had actually done something so heinous that I was grounded by my very liberal parents. Home was a fabulous place, full of things to do, places to curl up with a good book and the cat and my wonderful bedroom. Depression darkened my doorstep three times as a youth and home truly became a cocoon, a refuge and my security blanket. Upper middle class life in suburban Ontario always held exactly the right amount of comfort for me.

I grew through public school with cookie-cutter versions of me, then high school with a slightly more dark �town kids� community. Then, when I made the decision to move away and attend college, I had the opportunity to meet and interact with individuals from varied walks of life. These people truly reflected a diversity I had not previously been aware of: rich, angry, creative, abused, self-centered, amiable, sensitive, outgoing, sexy, overly critical, bullying, slimy, insolvent, distant souls who seamlessly flowed into and out of my life during my late teens and early twenties.

One of the managers at an earlier job followed a strict philosophy: �I will consider you an asshole until you prove me wrong.� I, on the other hand, lived my life more along the lines of, �Once bitten, twice shy.� As I got older, that morphed into �Nine times bitten, tenth time shy.� I�m a gullible fool, I freely and openly admit that to all and sundry. These people held vastly different mores than I, they were able to play head games and pull scams far better than I. I was hurt and deceived again and again. At that point it came to me like a bolt out of the blue: Run Away.

Run away, stupid girl, before there�s nothing left but bitterness and distrust.

I moved home, got a job and set about the task of insulating myself from anyone who could possibly do me any further harm. My circle of friends became so small, family members began to make comment. It was back to my parent's home, my old room and my security.

Ten years later, I�m married with a new job and I�m about to start a family. Those old scars have faded, but are still a part of me. Thanks to the wonder that is the Internet, I�ve managed to cultivate a few good friendships, although it�s never very far from my mind the ease with which I could simply disappear if I were injured yet again, a virtual security blanket.

My wish is to someday exist in that blurry, ethereal area of life that consists of not quite full societal withdrawal but also is not a burning need to be the lifelong buddy of those around me.

Posted at 12:49 p.m.