"body hair"

Did you know there are currently 1.5 million web pages out there about body hair? Most of them advertising ways to permanently remove it? Good Lord.

Millions, nay billions of dollars have no doubt been spent in North and South America to date, all to convince the last few generations that hair is bad unless it's on your head. But only specific areas, mind! A head of luxurious locks is something to strive for, but your eyebrows should be pencil thin, your lip and chin smooth as a baby's bottom.

Razors, tweezers, wax, sugar, lasers, where will it all end?

It fascinates me that the men and women who model the cheesy rings on The Shopping Channel or QVC don't have a stray hand hair to be found. Trust me, I've looked. I wonder if they're barred from on-air work during the short period of time it takes to grow any miniscule stubble back to an acceptable waxing length? When I take a gander at one of those soft, smooth hands, I always flash back to Miss Congeniality, when Sandra Bullock goes through the torture of a full body wax.

At least these days you have wax options. There's the original yellow, which heats up to temperatures that mimic those you would feel if you were, oh, say, sitting on the sun. Then there's the lovely aqua-coloured wax that most considerate professionals now prefer to use on their client's nether regions. It's quite a relief to see a big ol' spatula of the blue wax coming at you when you're up on the table, down to your knickers and attempting to strike a pose only a contortionist could love.

If I could, I would build a time machine and go back to the day I was 11, begging my Mom to teach me how to properly shave my legs, and I would kick my ass. Hard. All those years of shaving, bleeding, ingrown hairs, those damn spots and that horrible experience with Nair that makes me cringe even to this day! All because I wanted to get rid of some sparse, fine, blond hairs that were better left alone. Funny, now that I stop and think about it, it was ingrained in us at such a young age to despise our bodies in so many ways.

"Brazilian wax - $40"

The first time I saw this sign, I had to inquire. I was then informed about the newest rage amongst the hairy. When the definition of a Brazilian wax followed the initial hard sell for me to try one, I'm sure you could see the blood drain from my face. I had to sit down.
I recall thinking, "This has got to be the last straw."

I'm well aware I spend more of my hard-earned money than I care to on removing those nasty little follicles, at the same time realizing I'm sort of stuck in this holding pattern until society makes a huge paradigm shift. While they're at it, could they also go back to revering voluptuous women? That would be a great help, thanks.

Posted at 1:03 p.m.